Notes on Having a Bitchin’ Kitchen: Trends to Get Your Hott Taps Re-posted on Pinterest

It’s January. Hiss. January blows for a number of reasons 1) Christmas is so far away 2) It rains all the time 3) No one has any fun funds.

But most importantly, January sucks like a blizzard-on-the-day-of-your-birthday-party because we are smack dab in the middle of the Kitchen Sale period. where happy men and women across the nation are purchasing their new kitchen designed by my Dobble.

Dobble is so busy designing all of these other kitchens that I never see him, and when I do it’s only at feeding and sleeping times. Anyone who is married to someone in retail knows this feeling. God damn sale periods.

So while Dobblewobble designs other peoples kitchens, I’ll scheme up my own.

Notes on having a bitchin’ kitchen: the basic necessities that will get your hott taps re-posted on Pinterest

1) Dramatic lighting– every Pinterest follower loves some big lighting. Don’t think functional here- the more impractical the better. If you can imagine a child easily being able to swing on the lighting, like Tarzan, than you’ve probably got a winner.

2) Tiling. Get on this trend because I predict 2014 will be all about the designs in your tiles. Get some tiles and put them anywhere in your kitchen. Bonus points if you can place them in some cryptic way, so the design they make looks like a human body part.

3) Wine racking. Every Pinterest lover coos over a wine rack, don’t be subtle with it. Pinterest-ers treat wine racks like men, the bigger the better.

4) Exposed shelving. Impractical, yes. Beautiful, yes. Come on, you wear heals and shave your legs. Being on trend requires work.

5) Tables in the kitchen. Dining rooms are a thing of the past. I hope this trend sticks because no matter how you decorate them, dining rooms are stuffy and kitchens are comfy. It’s science.

6) Doors with personality. Pinterest lovers always adore a door- but if you can include a fun door with the above elements leading to your kitchen, you will surely get yourself in some online magazine.

Finally if all else fails and no one is reposting your beautiful new kitchen- put in some brass handles and a black cabinet. That seems to do the trick every time.

Now go buy a kitchen from Dobble.